Excerpts from the Journals of . . .

Lou Gehrig
June 13,1930

I spent most of the day by myself. I've been trying to think of something to say for tomorrow, It's Lou Gerhig day at the stadium, I'm a little nervous. I'd rather be playing than talking. It's going to be a sad day. I think maybe I should make a fewjokes, poke fun at Ruth and the guys. Maybe even make fun of myself, that's always good for a laugh.

June 14, 1930

It was a flop. Nobody got it. I realize that I'm not known for being sarcastic, but I thought It was so obvious. I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Come on, that's funny. How could someone not think that's funny? I'm dying for Christ's sake. Hello? Anybody out there? Bunch of morons.


Sigmund Freud
April 14, 1882

I can't believe this Is working, it's so easy. I was telling Mrs. Schmit to talk about her dreams and fantasies, and she did! She told me about her desire to make it with her Father and her Uncle and all sorts of weird stuff. Man, she's a nut, of course I didn't tell her that. I pretended it was normal. Then she went on to tell me about some of her dreams, like the one about all the men offering her bananas, or the one where she's the scarecrow in a cucumber patch. And the best thing is she loves talking about it, I don't have to encourage her at all. Some of the things she talks about though are really strange, like her desire to suck a piano into her lungs, or to put her toes in her mouth. She ought to get some professional help. In any case, I've had such an erection all day. I love this job.


Henry David Thoreau
August 1, 1890

I hate this God damned job. I've decided to quit. I'd rather be a bum living in the woods, than working for that shit-for-brains asshole. Just talking about quitting makes me feel better. I'm definitely going to do It. Definitely.

August 13, 1890

1 can't believe I could be so stupid. What was I thinking? What am I supposed to do for money? What a jerk I am. Did I really think it wouldbe better to quit than to have a paycheck every two weeks? Now what am I going to do, be a bum living In the woods? You know that might not be such a bad idea. There's that old cabin by the pond. I could hang out all day smoking doobies and sucking beers. I could probably even write a book about it, you know getting back to nature and crap like that. Some stooge would buy it. I'd have to rely on my sister a lot, to bring me food, and clothes and otherstuff I'd need, but that's no big deal, she wouldn't mind.


September 5, 1890

I'm bored out of my mind. All I do is sit around all day, sticking my toes In my mouth. I don't think I'll be able to stay here much longer, my sister Is getting pissed about me mooching off her all the time. I was thinking about living out here for good, you know living by my wits, being self-reliant. It sounds good in theory, but I don't think It would work. Maybe I'll just go back and get a job. That sounds like the most sensible thing to do. I could use another beer.


Socrates
May 10, 12 (last entry)

I was called before the elders today. They reprimanded me for inciting the youth. I asked them "In what ways have I incited the youth?" They told me I was wrong to question them, to put ideas in their heads, to encourage them to develop without the guidance of experience. I asked them again "in what ways have I incited them?" They told me that my methods would upset the development of the future leaders of the world. I once again asked them "in what ways have I incited them?" They told me to shut up. Then they went on to criticize my leadership abilities, they said I should lead by example. I asked them "What better example could I set, than to ask when I do not know?" Again I was told to shut up. Blah, blah blah, this went on all day and whenever I wanted to defend myself or explain my position they told me to shut up. After all this they said they were going to put me in a headlock, oooh I'm shaking.

Marie Antoinette
July 13, 1787 (last entry)

I'm so excited! Lou and I just got back from Nice (it's so nice there) where we had the best cake we've ever had! I'm serious. It was light, moist and simply delicious. I suggested to Lou that we make it the official bread product of France. He agrees. We've even come up with a few slogans, we figured it would help in marketing the idea;

"Let Them Eat Cake!" "After Me, The Cake" "The More Things Change, The More The Cake Stays The Same."

"Its A Far Far Better Cake That I Eat, Than I Have Ever Known."

What do you think? That last one is a bit too English for me, but Lou likes it. The first two are my idea. Lou is not sure everyone will think they are as funny as we do, but I know the peasants have a sense of humor. There are a lot of people milling about outside, I'm going to go try out one of the slogans. I'll be back to let you know how it went.


by Mike Morrissey
May 1994