Kelldog Reads the Stars
Weekly Horoscope : July 24 -30, 2006
Aries: March 21- April 19: You may not be able to revolutionize the world this week, but, you certainly can make a difference in your immediate group of peers, try leaving a floater behind one morning in the bathroom at work sometime this week.
Taurus: April 20- May 20: Others may want to focus on your words rather than actions this week, tell them loud and clear F-off A--hole. This could be a 5 Star weekend Taurus :)
Gemini: May 21-June 20: (Kelldog is a Gemini) Spend quiet time one night this week and drink beer while trying to bring comedic relief to yourself and other seekers of truth in this lost world. Make sure the wife does not find out how much time you waste in your home office doing nothing. Wednesday: Get new 24 pack of Miller Lite 16 Oz. PET Bottles.
Cancer: June 21-July22: This is a bad week for those under the Cancer sign. Consult a doctor immediately. Begin using sunscreen to protect from melanoma. Eat blueberries and other antioxidant rich fruits and vegetables.
Leo: July23-August 22: This is your time LEO, birthday guy. Begin to think about mortality, being over 40 and facing declining health and financial burdens in the years ahead. Think about making that call for Levitra. Later this week, talk with loved ones about whether you want chocolate with chocolate icing, or vanilla with chocolate icing, or vanila with vanilla icing or chocolate with vanilla icing. Tomorrow night: think about what color roses on the cake! Rock on Birthday Dude!
Virgo: August 23- September 22: Be alert with eyes wide open all week, food will play a critical role in a majority of meals during the days ahead. Zero in on what you want, dont be afraid of taking seconds.
Libra: September23-October22: You are on top of your game early this week, wake the F up, put the monopoly game away and get to work, think of good lie to tell boss. Get back on your game Friday night!
Scorpio: October 23- November 21: Scorpios friggin suck and I refuse to read any Scorpio Horoscopes.
Sagittarius: November 22 December 21: Working with a close partner at work may lead to problems this week. An unfortunate and obvious erection may occur suddenly at an inopportune time this week. If female Sagi, shield your eyes girl and watch out.
Capricorn: December 22- January 19: N/A
Aquarius: January 20- February 18: This week be on the lookout for sympathy and understanding, mystic crystal revelations, and the age of liberation. The world is yours you hippie....roll with it man.
Pisces: February 19- March 20: Begin to scrub your privates a bit more, things smell fishy. You are very playful and energetic this week, changing your underwear 2x a day may help with the issue. If the odor still persists try an antifungal cream in conjunction with some Gold Bond (R) Medicated Powder.
"Call 1-800-555-1212 for Kelldog's personal forecast for Love, Luck, Health, Career and Money. each call costs only $.99 per minute."
Aries: March 21- April 19: You may not be able to revolutionize the world this week, but, you certainly can make a difference in your immediate group of peers, try leaving a floater behind one morning in the bathroom at work sometime this week.
Taurus: April 20- May 20: Others may want to focus on your words rather than actions this week, tell them loud and clear F-off A--hole. This could be a 5 Star weekend Taurus :)
Gemini: May 21-June 20: (Kelldog is a Gemini) Spend quiet time one night this week and drink beer while trying to bring comedic relief to yourself and other seekers of truth in this lost world. Make sure the wife does not find out how much time you waste in your home office doing nothing. Wednesday: Get new 24 pack of Miller Lite 16 Oz. PET Bottles.
Cancer: June 21-July22: This is a bad week for those under the Cancer sign. Consult a doctor immediately. Begin using sunscreen to protect from melanoma. Eat blueberries and other antioxidant rich fruits and vegetables.
Leo: July23-August 22: This is your time LEO, birthday guy. Begin to think about mortality, being over 40 and facing declining health and financial burdens in the years ahead. Think about making that call for Levitra. Later this week, talk with loved ones about whether you want chocolate with chocolate icing, or vanilla with chocolate icing, or vanila with vanilla icing or chocolate with vanilla icing. Tomorrow night: think about what color roses on the cake! Rock on Birthday Dude!
Virgo: August 23- September 22: Be alert with eyes wide open all week, food will play a critical role in a majority of meals during the days ahead. Zero in on what you want, dont be afraid of taking seconds.
Libra: September23-October22: You are on top of your game early this week, wake the F up, put the monopoly game away and get to work, think of good lie to tell boss. Get back on your game Friday night!
Scorpio: October 23- November 21: Scorpios friggin suck and I refuse to read any Scorpio Horoscopes.
Sagittarius: November 22 December 21: Working with a close partner at work may lead to problems this week. An unfortunate and obvious erection may occur suddenly at an inopportune time this week. If female Sagi, shield your eyes girl and watch out.
Capricorn: December 22- January 19: N/A
Aquarius: January 20- February 18: This week be on the lookout for sympathy and understanding, mystic crystal revelations, and the age of liberation. The world is yours you hippie....roll with it man.
Pisces: February 19- March 20: Begin to scrub your privates a bit more, things smell fishy. You are very playful and energetic this week, changing your underwear 2x a day may help with the issue. If the odor still persists try an antifungal cream in conjunction with some Gold Bond (R) Medicated Powder.
"Call 1-800-555-1212 for Kelldog's personal forecast for Love, Luck, Health, Career and Money. each call costs only $.99 per minute."
posted by kelldog at 9:33 PM
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10 Comments:
Kelldog, I'm a Libra and I have the special edition Elvis Presley Monopoly board game (no fooling I really do). I was really winning big at the game before I read your column; I mean, I had all the deep-fried ice cream franchises, and all the pharmacies complete with hotels!
Now what? I gotta quit and wait till Friday?
That's not how The King played!
Please advise.
Show Kelldog some love. This is the funniest post in the four month history of the 'bub.
Bravo.
Hello Libra, please Dont Be Cruel. Like Slag said, show me that Big Hunk O' Love, A Fool Such as I Am, All Shook Up, And I Love You So. Libra, tell me, Are You Lonesome Tonight? Are You Sincere? Do You Know Who I Am? Earth Boy, remember, Fame and Fortune and Faded Love may not help you to Follow That Dream. The stars tell me you are a Guitar Man. I Dont Want To Hurt You you Hound Dog, but maybe, I Cant Help and I Feel So Bad. I've Got Confidence, Just a Little Bit, lets Just Pretend and Lets Be Friends. Never Again should we have Suspicious Minds. Treat me Nice and I'll Never Let You Go. I'm Counting on You Libra. Be the Good Luck Charm and as far as what you do with the Monopoly game, I Dont Want To Know. I am Going Home to a Happy Ending My Little Friend. Put the Blame on me and Never Again be Paralyzed by not Playin' for Keeps. This is the Story, Too Much Monkey Business and Tomorrow Never Comes. Libra, You'll Never Walk Alone.
Hey,Kelldog, a little less conversation a little more good advice
How many of The Kings songs could you identify in my response Libra?
30?
Before he became the artist formerly known as Prince, I always thought it would be cool, if Prince died, to have a "Prince is dead, long live the King" party in which I would play all Elvis tunes.
There are 38 song titles recorded by Elvis in my response. I was not being overly conversational, just trying to be clever..apparently you missed the point.
Also Prince will be playing the Super Bowl XIC or is it XXXXI or maybe IIIIVC this year at half time. What is the Latin numerology for 41.
Kelldog is always the same age as the Superbowl.
A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action
is the title of an Elvis song. I was trying to be clever, too
Cleverness. That's just one of the important weapons we can use in our battle with the other team blogs.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
[You, of course, have to say those last two lines the way Elvis would.]
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