FODOR'S Guide to HELL
When to go: Anytime your number's up or, if you have collected thirty silver pieces, you can go straight to the front of the line.
How to get there: There are many ways to arrive, some of the most popular are.....
1. Murder, rape, suicide or breaking any of the saltier of the Ten Commandments
2. Attending any Ozzfest or Woodstock 1999
3. Driving a Hummer
4. Intentionally stepping on a crack to break your mama's back
5. Wearing a T-shirt of Che Guevara licking Mother Theresa's ear
6. Kicking puppies
7. Sleeping with Gene Simmons
8. Voting
9. Buying David Duke a drink
10. Owning and enjoying Keith Richard's solo albums
Things to Do:
1. The River Styx: The rancid smell and floating bodies really make you feel you've arrived in style. Don't forget to pay the ferryman! Cost: one soul or 10 copies of Sluts and Slobs magazine.
2. Satan's Summer Palace: Wow! Talk about too much of a good thing! It gets pretty hot so dress light. If you can, try to go during the off-season, but anytime it's great to catch a glimpse of the castle built from unbaptized babies' souls!!
3. The Pond: Come on in! The caca's great!! Always filled Lip-deep! Waders don't miss your chance to enjoy this eternal favorite. Just remember the local credo: "Don't make waves!"
4. Caligula's Coloseum of Carnage: Rome was never like this, boy! Kill 'em, Screw 'em, Gut 'em and then Screw 'em again!!
5. Sisyphus Hill: Need some exercise? Help him out! Roll that boulder! It never gets old and he never gets tired.
6. Hitler's Hero Hut: Feeling hungry? Tell the Fuhrer to make you a six-foot Italian Hero with three kinds of cheese, five meats (all thinly sliced) and with the works. Then when he's done yell at him and tell him you didn't order this with provolone, Dammit, and make him do it all over again from scratch. At last when he's done, tell him you're not hungry anymore, shove it in his face and then kick him in the balls. The line can get long but it's well worth the wait.
Enjoy you're trip and please, if you find anything else we failed to mention. Write us!
When to go: Anytime your number's up or, if you have collected thirty silver pieces, you can go straight to the front of the line.
How to get there: There are many ways to arrive, some of the most popular are.....
1. Murder, rape, suicide or breaking any of the saltier of the Ten Commandments
2. Attending any Ozzfest or Woodstock 1999
3. Driving a Hummer
4. Intentionally stepping on a crack to break your mama's back
5. Wearing a T-shirt of Che Guevara licking Mother Theresa's ear
6. Kicking puppies
7. Sleeping with Gene Simmons
8. Voting
9. Buying David Duke a drink
10. Owning and enjoying Keith Richard's solo albums
Things to Do:
1. The River Styx: The rancid smell and floating bodies really make you feel you've arrived in style. Don't forget to pay the ferryman! Cost: one soul or 10 copies of Sluts and Slobs magazine.
2. Satan's Summer Palace: Wow! Talk about too much of a good thing! It gets pretty hot so dress light. If you can, try to go during the off-season, but anytime it's great to catch a glimpse of the castle built from unbaptized babies' souls!!
3. The Pond: Come on in! The caca's great!! Always filled Lip-deep! Waders don't miss your chance to enjoy this eternal favorite. Just remember the local credo: "Don't make waves!"
4. Caligula's Coloseum of Carnage: Rome was never like this, boy! Kill 'em, Screw 'em, Gut 'em and then Screw 'em again!!
5. Sisyphus Hill: Need some exercise? Help him out! Roll that boulder! It never gets old and he never gets tired.
6. Hitler's Hero Hut: Feeling hungry? Tell the Fuhrer to make you a six-foot Italian Hero with three kinds of cheese, five meats (all thinly sliced) and with the works. Then when he's done yell at him and tell him you didn't order this with provolone, Dammit, and make him do it all over again from scratch. At last when he's done, tell him you're not hungry anymore, shove it in his face and then kick him in the balls. The line can get long but it's well worth the wait.
Enjoy you're trip and please, if you find anything else we failed to mention. Write us!
posted by smelly at 5:52 PM
Firefox Live Bookmark
7 Comments:
Hell! It certainly got less boring pretty quick! Nice job Smelly, but Voting?!
Well, CJM, in my twenty-odd years of exercising voting rights, there has not been one time when I didn't feel afterwards like I just sold my soul to the Devil, whether they won or not.
The list of ways to get to hell rightly includes kicking puppies but thankfully, and correctly, excludes torturing kittens.
Insightful post my friend.
Now where is that fucking cat?
If you've felt pressure, Smelly, to vote for the candidates endorsed by the teacher's union over these past 20 or so years, then I can fully understand your "selling-my-soul-to-the-Devil" comment and your selection of Voting as #8 on that list.
My heavenly advice:
Vote early
Vote often*
Vote Republican
*Unethical? Maybe. But there are a lot of dead people voting for Democrats in each and every election.
Ewwww. Dead people voting? That's just creepy.
Do they count as a full vote, or is it a 3/5ths compromise kinda thing?
It's only creepy if you're a Republican (I'm actually a registered Democrat) living in a blue state city like Milwaukee. Dead people voting in New York City? Why bother? The Dems have a lock...forever.
A little clarity on that Milwaukee comment.
Post a Comment
<< The Hubbub Home Page