MY CREW!
SCENE I (BRIDGE)
LULU
Captain, there's something headed directly at us.
KIRK
At what speed?
LULU
Warp ten, sir.
KIRK
Red alert!
(Red alert goes off)
Lock on phasers, Mr. LULU. Lieutenant Manure, try to establish communication. And get a breast reduction operation, will you? I can't concentrate on space, my life's work. It IS the final frontier, you know. Spock, get a reading on it.
SPOCK
Fascinating.
KIRK
What is it, Spock?
SPOCK
Fascinating... truly fascinating.
KIRK
If you've got something, Spock, we'd all like to know!
McCOY
Yeah, Spock! Spit it out, you green-blooded half-human!
SPOCK
Impatience... most illogical. I appear to be getting a reading on an animated life form.
McCOY
Are you out of your pointy-eared head!?
KIRK
Elaborate, Spock.
SPOCK
It is approximately eight thousand four hundred and twenty years old.
KIRK
The Stone Age. I learned about it during my days at the academy... Manure, establish visual communication.
MANURE
Visual communication established, Captain.
(Shot of Fred Flintstone on screen)
(Shots of faces on bridge)
(Shot of Spock with one raised eyebrow)
SCOTTY
(entering bridge)
Captain, I dun't think a red alert is a good time to be watching cartoons.
KIRK
It's not a cartoon.
SCOTTY
You mean it's Fred Flintstone himself? Aye, I remember watching him when I was wee bit high. Don't fall for it, Capt'n. I'll bet it's those bloodthirsty Klingons playing another trick on us. Aye, I'll bet a bottle of five hundred twelve year old scotch it's the Klingons.
SPOCK
Flintstones... a highly successful prime time animated series on earth during the 1960's. In fact, the only earth cartoon ever shown in syndication on Vulcan.
KIRK
Mr. Flintstone... assuming you are in fact Mr. Flintstone--
FRED
Yabba dabba doo
KIRK
Gibberish... Spock?
SPOCK
Negative, Captain. An exclamation signifying jubilation.
KIRK
Mr. Flintstone, we're going to transport you to our ship.
FRED
Yabba dabba doo... ah, c'mon guys, the joke's over. Alright, Rockhead, Shale, where's Rubble?
KIRK
Scotty, you have the com. Spock, come with me. You too, Bones. Mr. Flintstone's hand appears to be connected to his face. You may have to operate.
McCOY
Damnit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a cartoonist!
KIRK
It's a direct order. Sometimes I wonder whether you're the same hard working doctor that boarded my ship years ago.
McCOY
I assure you Jim, I am the real McCoy.
SPOCK
A pun... intentional, I presume.
McCOY
You're a hopeless case, you sexless logician!
SPOCK
Captain, I believe Dr. McCoy to be an emotionally unstable member of your crew.
KIRK
My crew!!! What about my crew?
McCOY
Perhaps I'm not even needed on the ship.
KIRK
My ship!!! What about my ship?
SPOCK
Captain, gain control of yourself.
KIRK
Spock, what's happening to me?
SPOCK
Captain, I request permission to assume command. You do not seem to be mentally fit to command the Enterprise. I believe Dr. McCoy will back me up on this issue.
McCOY
I'm afraid he's right, Jim. For once I'll have to agree with Spock. You've been having these ship-fits regularly. I'm afraid you'll have to report to sick bay for a day or two of rest. Report to Nurse Chapel and I'll be there in a minute. Spock'll run the ship.
KIRK
My ship!!! No, I can't. I must command the ship. My crew is depending on me.
McCOY
Jim, the crew can--
KIRK
MY CREW!!!!!
(SPOCK gives KIRK the nerve pinch. KIRK goes down.)
McCOY
Thanks, Spock. You did a kind-hearted thing, helping me out like that.
SPOCK
I did what I thought to be logical.
McCOY
Oh, blast your logic, Spock!...Wouldn't it also be logical to shut me up when I'm annoying you?
SPOCK
Vulcans are incapable of getting annoyed.
McCOY
You're a thickheaded half-breed!
SPOCK
Don't tempt me, doctor.
McCoy
POINTY EARS!! POINTY EARS!!
(SPOCK gives McCOY the nerve pinch. McCOY lands on top of KIRK)
SPOCK
(Looking down at BONES)
You silly, illogical human.
SCENE II (TRANSPORTER ROOM)
(SPOCK enters. He tries transporter... no go. He presses phony communicator button)
SCOTTY
Scott here.
SPOCK
Mr. Scott, the transporter is malfunctioning.
SCOTTY
I checked it myself just this afternoon... Mr. Spock, it's not the transporter that's giving us trouble. It's Mr. Flintstone himself. I beamed him aboard but now he's vanished. A little green man who sounded just like Harvey Kormann snapped his fingers and the both of them disappeared.
SPOCK
Gazoo.
SCOTTY
Gezunheit, Mr. Spock... But that's not all. He called me a dum dum. Now, Mr. Spock, I'm a patient man but nobody calls Montgomery Scott a dum dum and gets away with it.
SPOCK
Humans...Spock out.
SCENE III (BRIDGE)
SPOCK
(enters)
Quite a rapid recovery, Captain.
KIRK
I passed the examination.
McCOY
Physically, he's 100%. But I think he's got a screw loose.
KIRK
Crew? What about my crew!?
SCOTTY
Captain, If ya' dun't mind me sayin' so, I think you oughta take a few days rest. It'll be the best thing for us all. It's just my opinion but, goshdarnit Captain, you've been loonier than a drunk Mel Gibson lately.
KIRK
Be quiet, Scotty. Go down to engineering. Everything is always breaking down over there. Go check on it.
SCOTTY
I take that personally, Captain Kirk. Mr. Spock, do us all a favor and take command of the ship. I'm goin' t' the pub for a strong one.
(exits)
SPOCK
Acknowledged, Mr. Scott...Captain... Jim... According to Starship Federation Procedure I must now force you to relinquish command. As of now, I am in charge.
KIRK
NO. You can't pull that Castro's brother bit on me. This is my ship. I'm responsible for the crew. It's my crew. Nobody takes my crew. It's my ship, my crew; you can't have it.
SPOCK
Very well. Keep it, you selfish human.
KIRK
Lulu, where's Jerkhov?
LULU
He's hungover, sir. He drank another liter of vodka. He's been drinking quite heavily ever since the night he and I spent alone together on Fujjpaq II.
(laughs diabolically)
MANURE
Captain, I had communication with someone down on Sunev III but lost it almost immediately.
KIRK
Sunev III. Spock, you've been there. Who might be contacting us?
SPOCK
According to this data, it looks like it is that guy with the towel on his head.
KIRK
More specific, Spock.
SPOCK
I cannot get any more specific.
KIRK
We'll have to beam down to the planet's surface.
(KIRK and SPOCK exit bridge.)
SCENE IV (SUNEV III)
KIRK
You were right, Spock. He does have a towel on his head. But what is his name?
(to guy with towel on his head)
What is your position on Sunev III? And by what name are you called?
GUY WITH TOWEL ON HEAD
I am known only as That Guy With The Towel On His Head.
KIRK
Spock, you're the best first officer in the fleet.
SPOCK
I know, sir.
KIRK
Modest too.
SPOCK
I detect a tone of sarcasm. No, captain, I am not immodest. As a Vulcan I am simply incapable of false modesty.
KIRK
Okay towel guy, what is it that you want from us?
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
Sunscreen... and towels.
SPOCK
The average temperature on Sunev III is 50.347 degrees Celcius.
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
And that little green guy for entertainment... and his three-toed loudmouth friend with the five o'clock shadow.
KIRK
We don't know their whereabouts. We believe the recent sightings were just illusions. What is it that you really want from us?
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
Beam down some of those pretty crew members of yours with the ridiculously short skirts. I'm prepared to offer you enough quadrotriticale to feed the Milky Way for a millenium.
KIRK
Perhaps we can spare----NO! I will not have you manipulate my crew! I won't allow some perverted towel guy to treat the members of my crew as objects of sensual delight and sexual desire. Only I can do that. It's MY crew!!
TOWEL DUDE
That's too bad, Kirk. Because if you don't send them down within one earth hour you and your science officer are dead meat.
KIRK
Better Spock and myself than my crew. Kill us now. Spare my crew.
T.G.W.T.T.O.H.H.
No, your own life means too little to you. There must be some other way to convince you.
SPOCK
(whispering to KIRK)
He fell for your bluff.
KIRK
It's no bluff, Spock.
SPOCK
You're full of tribble excrement and you know it.
KIRK
(His communicator sounds.)
Kirk here.
SCOTTY
Captain, we've been attacked by a vessel from Sunev III.
KIRK
What's the damage?
SCOTTY
Extensive damage to the bowling alley, sir.
KIRK
Damn. The Federation Finals... We'll have to forfeit home lanes advantage... Scotty, they'll have to pay for this. Launch photon torpedoes immediately. Then beam us up.
SCOTTY
I'm afraid I won't be able to do that, Captain. The transporter is malfunctioning.
KIRK
How long will it take to repair?
SCOTTY
A couple hours, maybe more.
KIRK
That's too long. You've gotta do better, Scotty.
SCOTTY
Captain, we're doing everything we can.
KIRK
Beam us up in thirty minutes.
SCOTTY
I can't change the laws of physics.
KIRK
Yes you can. Change them. That's an order. Kirk out.
SPOCK
Captain, what about that guy?
KIRK
Give him a nerve pinch, Spock.
SPOCK
(Walking towards TOWEL GUY)
That Guy With The Towel On His Head, perhaps we can meet your demands --
(Gives him the nerve pinch.)
SCENE V (Meanwhile back on the bridge)
SCOTTY
Fire photon torpedoes, Mr. Jerkhov.
JERKHOV
(With ice pack applied to his head)
Yes, sir.
(Photon torpedoes are fired. It's a direct hit.)
We got 'em, sir! Ow, my head.
SCOTTY
Aye. Blown to bits. Take the com, Mr. Lulu. I'm going down to the transporter room.
LULU
The transporter room! What is it?
SCOTTY
It's the section of the ship where we beam crew members and others to and from planets. But that's not important now.
LULU
What are you going to do there?
SCOTTY
I'm goin' to change the laws of physics.
SCENE VI (SCOTTY and LT. O'TOOLE are travelling to the transporter room.)
O'TOOLE
Isn't that Yeoman Rand's quarters, Mr. Scott?
SCOTTY
(Peeking through keyhole)
Aye, it's Janice alright.
O'TOOLE
(Nudges SCOTTY away and peeks)
She's bending over.
SCOTTY
(Nudges O'Toole away and peeks.)
Aye, and she's got the finest pooper in the fleet.
O'TOOLE
Mr. Scott, shouldn't we rush to go fix the transporter?
SCOTTY
No need to . It's not broken. Half the times when I tell Kirk it's broken I'm just toying with him.
O'TOOLE
Ha. Let's go grab a beer then.
SCOTTY
I'm right with ya' lad.
EPILOGUE (BRIDGE)
(KIRK and SPOCK enter)
KIRK
I knew he'd come through. I knew Scotty could change the laws of physics.
SPOCK
Captain, I do not believe --
KIRK
Yes he did. Scotty said it would take hours and yet he repaired the transporter in a matter of minutes. He knows this ship better than anyone, myself included. And it's my ship. My crew.
McCOY
Jim, I notice you have a very short haircut. Shorter than usual.
KIRK
MY CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LULU
Captain, there's something headed directly at us.
KIRK
At what speed?
LULU
Warp ten, sir.
KIRK
Red alert!
(Red alert goes off)
Lock on phasers, Mr. LULU. Lieutenant Manure, try to establish communication. And get a breast reduction operation, will you? I can't concentrate on space, my life's work. It IS the final frontier, you know. Spock, get a reading on it.
SPOCK
Fascinating.
KIRK
What is it, Spock?
SPOCK
Fascinating... truly fascinating.
KIRK
If you've got something, Spock, we'd all like to know!
McCOY
Yeah, Spock! Spit it out, you green-blooded half-human!
SPOCK
Impatience... most illogical. I appear to be getting a reading on an animated life form.
McCOY
Are you out of your pointy-eared head!?
KIRK
Elaborate, Spock.
SPOCK
It is approximately eight thousand four hundred and twenty years old.
KIRK
The Stone Age. I learned about it during my days at the academy... Manure, establish visual communication.
MANURE
Visual communication established, Captain.
(Shot of Fred Flintstone on screen)
(Shots of faces on bridge)
(Shot of Spock with one raised eyebrow)
SCOTTY
(entering bridge)
Captain, I dun't think a red alert is a good time to be watching cartoons.
KIRK
It's not a cartoon.
SCOTTY
You mean it's Fred Flintstone himself? Aye, I remember watching him when I was wee bit high. Don't fall for it, Capt'n. I'll bet it's those bloodthirsty Klingons playing another trick on us. Aye, I'll bet a bottle of five hundred twelve year old scotch it's the Klingons.
SPOCK
Flintstones... a highly successful prime time animated series on earth during the 1960's. In fact, the only earth cartoon ever shown in syndication on Vulcan.
KIRK
Mr. Flintstone... assuming you are in fact Mr. Flintstone--
FRED
Yabba dabba doo
KIRK
Gibberish... Spock?
SPOCK
Negative, Captain. An exclamation signifying jubilation.
KIRK
Mr. Flintstone, we're going to transport you to our ship.
FRED
Yabba dabba doo... ah, c'mon guys, the joke's over. Alright, Rockhead, Shale, where's Rubble?
KIRK
Scotty, you have the com. Spock, come with me. You too, Bones. Mr. Flintstone's hand appears to be connected to his face. You may have to operate.
McCOY
Damnit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a cartoonist!
KIRK
It's a direct order. Sometimes I wonder whether you're the same hard working doctor that boarded my ship years ago.
McCOY
I assure you Jim, I am the real McCoy.
SPOCK
A pun... intentional, I presume.
McCOY
You're a hopeless case, you sexless logician!
SPOCK
Captain, I believe Dr. McCoy to be an emotionally unstable member of your crew.
KIRK
My crew!!! What about my crew?
McCOY
Perhaps I'm not even needed on the ship.
KIRK
My ship!!! What about my ship?
SPOCK
Captain, gain control of yourself.
KIRK
Spock, what's happening to me?
SPOCK
Captain, I request permission to assume command. You do not seem to be mentally fit to command the Enterprise. I believe Dr. McCoy will back me up on this issue.
McCOY
I'm afraid he's right, Jim. For once I'll have to agree with Spock. You've been having these ship-fits regularly. I'm afraid you'll have to report to sick bay for a day or two of rest. Report to Nurse Chapel and I'll be there in a minute. Spock'll run the ship.
KIRK
My ship!!! No, I can't. I must command the ship. My crew is depending on me.
McCOY
Jim, the crew can--
KIRK
MY CREW!!!!!
(SPOCK gives KIRK the nerve pinch. KIRK goes down.)
McCOY
Thanks, Spock. You did a kind-hearted thing, helping me out like that.
SPOCK
I did what I thought to be logical.
McCOY
Oh, blast your logic, Spock!...Wouldn't it also be logical to shut me up when I'm annoying you?
SPOCK
Vulcans are incapable of getting annoyed.
McCOY
You're a thickheaded half-breed!
SPOCK
Don't tempt me, doctor.
McCoy
POINTY EARS!! POINTY EARS!!
(SPOCK gives McCOY the nerve pinch. McCOY lands on top of KIRK)
SPOCK
(Looking down at BONES)
You silly, illogical human.
SCENE II (TRANSPORTER ROOM)
(SPOCK enters. He tries transporter... no go. He presses phony communicator button)
SCOTTY
Scott here.
SPOCK
Mr. Scott, the transporter is malfunctioning.
SCOTTY
I checked it myself just this afternoon... Mr. Spock, it's not the transporter that's giving us trouble. It's Mr. Flintstone himself. I beamed him aboard but now he's vanished. A little green man who sounded just like Harvey Kormann snapped his fingers and the both of them disappeared.
SPOCK
Gazoo.
SCOTTY
Gezunheit, Mr. Spock... But that's not all. He called me a dum dum. Now, Mr. Spock, I'm a patient man but nobody calls Montgomery Scott a dum dum and gets away with it.
SPOCK
Humans...Spock out.
SCENE III (BRIDGE)
SPOCK
(enters)
Quite a rapid recovery, Captain.
KIRK
I passed the examination.
McCOY
Physically, he's 100%. But I think he's got a screw loose.
KIRK
Crew? What about my crew!?
SCOTTY
Captain, If ya' dun't mind me sayin' so, I think you oughta take a few days rest. It'll be the best thing for us all. It's just my opinion but, goshdarnit Captain, you've been loonier than a drunk Mel Gibson lately.
KIRK
Be quiet, Scotty. Go down to engineering. Everything is always breaking down over there. Go check on it.
SCOTTY
I take that personally, Captain Kirk. Mr. Spock, do us all a favor and take command of the ship. I'm goin' t' the pub for a strong one.
(exits)
SPOCK
Acknowledged, Mr. Scott...Captain... Jim... According to Starship Federation Procedure I must now force you to relinquish command. As of now, I am in charge.
KIRK
NO. You can't pull that Castro's brother bit on me. This is my ship. I'm responsible for the crew. It's my crew. Nobody takes my crew. It's my ship, my crew; you can't have it.
SPOCK
Very well. Keep it, you selfish human.
KIRK
Lulu, where's Jerkhov?
LULU
He's hungover, sir. He drank another liter of vodka. He's been drinking quite heavily ever since the night he and I spent alone together on Fujjpaq II.
(laughs diabolically)
MANURE
Captain, I had communication with someone down on Sunev III but lost it almost immediately.
KIRK
Sunev III. Spock, you've been there. Who might be contacting us?
SPOCK
According to this data, it looks like it is that guy with the towel on his head.
KIRK
More specific, Spock.
SPOCK
I cannot get any more specific.
KIRK
We'll have to beam down to the planet's surface.
(KIRK and SPOCK exit bridge.)
SCENE IV (SUNEV III)
KIRK
You were right, Spock. He does have a towel on his head. But what is his name?
(to guy with towel on his head)
What is your position on Sunev III? And by what name are you called?
GUY WITH TOWEL ON HEAD
I am known only as That Guy With The Towel On His Head.
KIRK
Spock, you're the best first officer in the fleet.
SPOCK
I know, sir.
KIRK
Modest too.
SPOCK
I detect a tone of sarcasm. No, captain, I am not immodest. As a Vulcan I am simply incapable of false modesty.
KIRK
Okay towel guy, what is it that you want from us?
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
Sunscreen... and towels.
SPOCK
The average temperature on Sunev III is 50.347 degrees Celcius.
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
And that little green guy for entertainment... and his three-toed loudmouth friend with the five o'clock shadow.
KIRK
We don't know their whereabouts. We believe the recent sightings were just illusions. What is it that you really want from us?
THAT GUY WITH THE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD
Beam down some of those pretty crew members of yours with the ridiculously short skirts. I'm prepared to offer you enough quadrotriticale to feed the Milky Way for a millenium.
KIRK
Perhaps we can spare----NO! I will not have you manipulate my crew! I won't allow some perverted towel guy to treat the members of my crew as objects of sensual delight and sexual desire. Only I can do that. It's MY crew!!
TOWEL DUDE
That's too bad, Kirk. Because if you don't send them down within one earth hour you and your science officer are dead meat.
KIRK
Better Spock and myself than my crew. Kill us now. Spare my crew.
T.G.W.T.T.O.H.H.
No, your own life means too little to you. There must be some other way to convince you.
SPOCK
(whispering to KIRK)
He fell for your bluff.
KIRK
It's no bluff, Spock.
SPOCK
You're full of tribble excrement and you know it.
KIRK
(His communicator sounds.)
Kirk here.
SCOTTY
Captain, we've been attacked by a vessel from Sunev III.
KIRK
What's the damage?
SCOTTY
Extensive damage to the bowling alley, sir.
KIRK
Damn. The Federation Finals... We'll have to forfeit home lanes advantage... Scotty, they'll have to pay for this. Launch photon torpedoes immediately. Then beam us up.
SCOTTY
I'm afraid I won't be able to do that, Captain. The transporter is malfunctioning.
KIRK
How long will it take to repair?
SCOTTY
A couple hours, maybe more.
KIRK
That's too long. You've gotta do better, Scotty.
SCOTTY
Captain, we're doing everything we can.
KIRK
Beam us up in thirty minutes.
SCOTTY
I can't change the laws of physics.
KIRK
Yes you can. Change them. That's an order. Kirk out.
SPOCK
Captain, what about that guy?
KIRK
Give him a nerve pinch, Spock.
SPOCK
(Walking towards TOWEL GUY)
That Guy With The Towel On His Head, perhaps we can meet your demands --
(Gives him the nerve pinch.)
SCENE V (Meanwhile back on the bridge)
SCOTTY
Fire photon torpedoes, Mr. Jerkhov.
JERKHOV
(With ice pack applied to his head)
Yes, sir.
(Photon torpedoes are fired. It's a direct hit.)
We got 'em, sir! Ow, my head.
SCOTTY
Aye. Blown to bits. Take the com, Mr. Lulu. I'm going down to the transporter room.
LULU
The transporter room! What is it?
SCOTTY
It's the section of the ship where we beam crew members and others to and from planets. But that's not important now.
LULU
What are you going to do there?
SCOTTY
I'm goin' to change the laws of physics.
SCENE VI (SCOTTY and LT. O'TOOLE are travelling to the transporter room.)
O'TOOLE
Isn't that Yeoman Rand's quarters, Mr. Scott?
SCOTTY
(Peeking through keyhole)
Aye, it's Janice alright.
O'TOOLE
(Nudges SCOTTY away and peeks)
She's bending over.
SCOTTY
(Nudges O'Toole away and peeks.)
Aye, and she's got the finest pooper in the fleet.
O'TOOLE
Mr. Scott, shouldn't we rush to go fix the transporter?
SCOTTY
No need to . It's not broken. Half the times when I tell Kirk it's broken I'm just toying with him.
O'TOOLE
Ha. Let's go grab a beer then.
SCOTTY
I'm right with ya' lad.
EPILOGUE (BRIDGE)
(KIRK and SPOCK enter)
KIRK
I knew he'd come through. I knew Scotty could change the laws of physics.
SPOCK
Captain, I do not believe --
KIRK
Yes he did. Scotty said it would take hours and yet he repaired the transporter in a matter of minutes. He knows this ship better than anyone, myself included. And it's my ship. My crew.
McCOY
Jim, I notice you have a very short haircut. Shorter than usual.
KIRK
MY CREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Unknown at 3:43 PM
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4 Comments:
WooHoo!!! (an exclamation signifying jubilation)
It's Fordham circa '84 again!!!
The best part of this tale isn't the pointed satire or the screwball comedy (and they rock), it's at the end, when we all get to shuffle off in our minds with Scotty for that last drink before they shoot him into space.
(Oh and I kept picturing a certain blogger as Kirk as I read it. That makes it a classic!)
(someone find the link for Scotty's Remains in Space; it's late and I just can't do it))
PS How was England?!
Double PS I think I'm gettin me one of those crew cuts!
It's hot outside.
it is sooo good to have the antics of stalwart back, YOU ROCK great prose, must be a bummer to be back from the great beyond to this heat
OK. I read through the whole thing finally. Lot of mouse scrolling. Funny stuff. Original. You can never go wrong with a Fred Flinstone cameo. Definitely better read when not hungover. Reminds me a bit of some of the scripts Epperson and I wrote in the 80s, the ones no one was buyin. Keep at it. You might just hit with something. Got any movies you might have made as a student somewhere? Get 'em on the web. YouTube. Heard of it? Miracle of viral marketing. They might become cyber-cult favorites. Hollywood producer might just ring ya up one day. Got a cup of coffee? You'll need it to get through this one.
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